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Why we remember: Beginning to heal after a loved one’s death

With so many choices, find something that brings you meaning
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The Sands Colwood team will help you create a service that is unique to your family.

“A life is a story; tell it well. It’s the landscape of our life.”

It’s a message Julie Evans, with Sands Funeral Chapel, Cremation and Reception Centre in Colwood, shares with her families.

Sometimes it’s an individual or couple pre-planning their own funeral services, other times it’s a bereaved family. Just how those stories are best told, however, is unique to each individual.

Funeral, celebration of life, evening to remember: it’s your choice

Many have turned away from the “traditional funeral,” whether due to perceived costs or seeing it as religious ritual at odds with a more secular world.

However, what a service looks like is as individual as those involved.

“We share with all our families that they have many choices,” Evans explains.

Whether it’s a simple reception with grandma’s favourite cookie recipe and fine china for family and friends, or an afternoon to remember, welcoming flowers or suggesting donations to a favourite charity, those are all things families can opt to do or not do.

“We have the responsibility to guide families, offer suggestions and encourage open conversation to assist in creating a memorable event which will assist in acknowledging the reality that someone in their life has died,” Evans says. “I want families to know they have choices and we’re here to help them in every way. It is very rare that we say, ‘No, you can’t do that.’”

Find value for those left behind

Regardless of what they do, it’s often choosing to do something meaningful that’s important for loved ones.

“It’s important to understand why we gather. It provides an opportunity for the survivors to acknowledge the reality of the loss, to remember that person, to create hope, to provide support, to allow us to express our feelings, to find purpose in continued living and ultimately find peace at the end of the day. ” Evans says.

So much is affected by how we deal with loss, at any age, but particularity when we are young. When the opportunity to grieve openly and be included in funeral events is removed – with the intention to shelter our loved ones from pain – we often create complicated grief which can manifest over time in many different ways and ultimately affect how we deal with future loss such as a marriage, a job or a pet.

A client who had recently lost her husband underscored that message for Evans: “The funeral is for my children and his friends. It’s so important for me that my children can accept the reality of his death and that they will all be able to move forward in their lives.”

For many families, whether coming from a place of faith or not, time with their loved one also helps start the healing.

“We offer every family a time of reflection with their loved one. We believe in the importance of that quiet time to start accepting the reality of the death,” Evans says.

Not everything needs to be immediate, however. Whether it’s waiting for a favourite season or until distant friends and family can return to gather, that’s OK.

“Often we we’ll have families come back to us a few months later and say, ‘Now we are ready for a funeral event.’”

Planning ahead to give families options

With more people taking advantage of pre-planning their own funeral arrangements as a way of easing the emotional and financial stress on their loved ones, it’s important to leave some flexibility.

Having the conversation with family is always a good idea, but Evans also recommends people leave an option in their pre-planned funeral arrangements which gives permission to the survivors to create an event which is most meaningful for themselves in addition to what has been pre-planned.

The funeral event is for the living, she says. “It’s important to ensure the conversation isn’t one-sided.”.

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Learn more about Sands Funeral Chapel, Cremation and Reception Centre online, visit on Facebook, or stop by at 317 Goldstream Ave.

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